Sunday, September 11, 2016

Abstract Reality



What if what I see isn't there?
I pour myself into colors, thick texture, unnamed forms lightly tempered by lines. 
I am not very interested in representing any particular reality. 
Instead I am lured by splashes of color, mysterious journeys to places in my head and heart that I have absolutely no idea how to get to. Or how I got there once I arrive. 
I sometimes wonder why I am painting such uncertainty.  
Am I wasting perfectly good paints and paper with no guarantee? 
That's about as easy to answer as Am I wasting love
All that risk and we still dive deep.

While I was painting today I had an urge to travel to Paris just so I could shop at the Sennlier Art Store. 
The clerks wear white coats and the old wood floors creak when you walk on them. 
You can gaze outside the large windows to the Seine across the street. 
I would absolutely travel 7 hours and a 40 minute Metro ride to pull out drawers of pastels and oil bars in every conceivable color and size. 
Walk up the spiral staircase and caress reams of paper. 
Close my eyes and inhale rapture.
Then sit at a cafe with my Sennlier bag and smile at passersby. 

In case you are wondering why I am writing in poetry and not prose. 
Constructing paragraphs feels too tedious. 
I want to do more with less. 
Which is strange because I love meandering through dense forests of words threading together sentences but something inside me stops short these days.
If I had to guess I would say I lost my threshold for enormity when my mom died. 
My sense of time has been altered. There just isn't as much of it.
I suppose I am still reeling from the fact you never see someone again.

I wonder how to hold onto her and let her go. 
Where does her essence reside? That much debated place I have no real opinion about?  
It is all so abstract. The only concrete thing is the wall I am up against. 
Ticking clocks. Blank paper waiting for me to commit.
Swells of color receding and rising like the ocean tides. 
Each painting is a prayer. I whisper to her make this right.
She would shake her head and tell me to do what I am meant to do.
Go to Paris and buy pastels. Or China Camp. Or Greece. 
Wherever. 
Whatever it takes.
Paint abstracts, old buildings, nudes, landscapes. 
As long as you are my daughter the artist.















Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Living Without You


You never told me how to live without you. Or how sadness lingers. 
I thought I would be so relieved the missing you wouldn't matter. 
No words came after the stroke. I tried be inside your head. 
We gazed into each other's eyes. 
Sometimes we surrendered to silence.
I kept telling myself you had already left me, it wasn't the whole you anymore so when you died I would have less to mourn. 

I am irritable these days. If you think I didn't suffer fools gladly before you should see me now. 
I stare out in space and try to make things matter. 
I see endings. Slippery slopes and edges. Screeching halts.  
I almost drove to your facility today so I could feel myself closer to you. 
I wanted to walk to your room and stop short of entering. In my mind I could see the faces of the nurses looking at me with concern so I decided against it. 
Instead I put the old basement window on my easel. I sobbed while applying color on glass, rubbing oil bar in my eyes. 

I have wanted to write about you with my foggy brain. I thought it would take longer. 
Maybe I should wait but today I nearly went to see you at your nursing home even though you died.
There are healthier responses I am sure but I don't seem too interested in them.
And I have no desire to "talk" to "someone".
Can you imagine that conversation? 
What if I told the truth?  How we were as mother and daughter?
How colors become vibrant and muted at the same time?
The truth looks different in the rearview mirror. 
All that aside - and there is a lot to put aside - I feel badly.

I became cold when the pain was too much. I sidestepped you, overlooked you. 
Not because I wanted to but the hurt was more than I could manage. 
I didn't like being angry but I was. 
I wanted to be more forgiving. More prone to higher ground.  
Your shortcomings as a mother made me think of mine and if my children would be able to forgive me. 
Honestly I could see why they might not.
After all, I wasn't terribly forthcoming with compassion until you had your stroke. 
By then it was too late for us to talk about it. And now talking feels very disposable and something I can do without. 
Try telling that to people who cannot see the lines I draw in the sand. 

I wonder if you would be happy to know nothing feels the same without you. 
That I often think of you as an electric and beautiful young woman, a mother with her three babies, an accomplished nurse, artist, friend to many, and beloved grandmother. 
In our last days together I want to believe you knew I saw you as someone other than my mother.
As I laid next to you our sadness faded and love swelled. 
Maybe I am spinning my own tales but you might have known you were leaving and wanted us to have that.
You were a mother until the end.
Making sure I had more of you to hold. 
So perhaps you did try to tell me how to live without you. 
















Monday, June 27, 2016

I Loved YOU So Hard I Broke




I Loved YOU So hard I Broke


Dear Collective YOU

I am looking backward
to the intensity
to what gives so much
to all the stock I put in YOU
The infatuation, the electric charge, glances in passing, small lines that form a semi smile
fingers laced together and skipped heartbeats and breath taken away
To the thoughts of what happened and what might have been
So many words written about us
Sometimes in small cursive with a grease pencil covering large pieces of paper
But that’s not what I am dwelling on at this moment
I am thinking about how the end is the beginning and the beginning is the end like a T.S. Elliot poem in Four Quartets
He actually was right and not just artistically confusing

On the precipice of infamous beginnings and endings that are really endings and beginnings I turn my head
And see YOU
Away from me
Holding my stomach in, measuring myself, inventing new and better ways to be me, thinking how I can be more
always so much more
so YOU will not leave
Even though I only asked once and that was in a whisper, barely audible
almost to myself
It was an airport for God’s sake
We both know how that worked out

Speaking of beginnings
My father told me I would get married
and be taken care of
I was already outlined by his shadow
not realizing I was the one doing the taking care of
Cultivating an art
Icing on the cake
Using assets
Being creative and interesting but only so smart
(because it is OFF PUTTING TO BE TOO SMART AND A GIRL)
I lost a race in 5th grade on purpose to boys
I was a fast like the wind sprinter
Did I realize what I lost that day was more than a race?

My body changed
I sweated out so much longing hot flashing
Stopped holding my stomach in
and banging my head against the wall
trying to more of everything
All that wonderfulness
left flat with exhaustion (which is actually a good thing)
emptying my insides out
Hoping beyond hope
If only
If only
If only I had let myself win that race and turned the corner in victory
You start to think about your mother differently
I’m so sorry
I had no idea

My daughter thinks I sound depressing
I get it because I thought ending up alone like Nadia was a death sentence (hey P remember when we rolled our eyes in superiority)
Then I found new horizons and realized dreams that needed energy I used to dole out to YOU
I can still love YOU I say but differently
It’s still love to me
And it’s everywhere
In subtle and vibrant colors
In trees gently rustling in a warm afternoon breeze
In the faces of my children
In my doggies
In my no longer talking mother
In friends who don’t give up on me
In courage I wish I had
In grace and humility and letting go
In what’s given and taken
In forgiveness
In all of YOU





















  

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do: Brexit thoughts from the Island


When I first heard the news I was stunned. I knew it was close; however, in the end I thought the vote would be to stay in the European Union. I checked Facebook and saw all kinds of dire warnings from people, particularly Americans, drawing parallels to Trump and his racist xenophobia. While I painted later that morning I listened to the BBC to get a closer perspective. The news program interviewed a wide range of people, experts and perhaps more interestingly, three university students – two from London (stay) and one from a more rural area (go). I also polled a few of the island friends (Greek and Danish) to get their take on it. The responses were mixed; however, the Greeks have a sour taste in their mouth for the EU and Euro given the economic crisis that lingers and continues to have a serious effect on their country and wellbeing.  For more detailed results, go to this link: https://ig.ft.com/sites/elections/2016/uk/eu-referendum/

The BBC program exposed a schism and frustration in Britain that feels vaguely familiar to the one in the US – from my perspective – and I think the data bears me out. First, I am not an economist. And while I include economics in teaching my social work courses, I am not an expert in the complications of markets, currency, and trade. I will say that I have had grave doubts about the Euro and the EU since the currency was introduced. I was in Paris as it was rolled out, visiting my daughter who was living there for a study abroad in a sweet little studio in the Latin Quarter. I predicted a disaster not based on my expertise in economics, rather, a knowledge of culture, history and people (not the politician types). I simply could not see how countries so diverse and steeped in their history and culture were going to unify in this system and worse, a common currency. In the US we face a constant battle between the federal government and state’s rights, which is notoriously contentious, therefore, this was going to be an even bigger challenge. I was in Denmark when they voted not to join the EU the first time, and though they later reversed this decision they maintained their currency (as Britain did).  

I find that listening to people and their stories explains a lot. I am fortunate to travel in the US and abroad, and not in a touristic circle. Striking up conversation is an organic process and people are very willing to share their stories.  It also helps not to surround yourself with people who think exactly as you do. I have some passionate discussions (to say the least); however, I also maintain close relationships with many friends whose worldview and experience is polar opposite to mine. We share other common interests and values, which is enriching and keeps life interesting. I travel on buses, planes, boats, and on foot. You are bound to cross paths with interesting people that way. In fact, on a short plane ride from Copenhagen to Brussels many years ago I met one of my best friends, Yvonne Christensen, and while our lives are quite different in many ways, we are joined at the hip in many other ways. And this is just one such story, my life is filled with magical encounters, both brief and long lasting.

Back to Brexit. Listening to the university students on BBC program I was struck by the dissonance between the Londoners (stay in EU) and the student from a rural area (out). The Londoners had no real contact with anyone different from them, or outside of London. The other student had a more diverse background being at university; however, his life and experience was not that of a Londoner. The gap was considerable. It was like they lived in two different countries. I thought about how many people in the US consider the Midwest “fly over country”, as if the only worthy places are the East or West Coast, and more specifically, LA, San Francisco Bay Area, New York, DC, and perhaps cities like Seattle and Boston. Okay, Chicago is OK if you fly in and out. It is like no place in between exists and the people that live there are from another country.  The only time they or their states get any attention is during presidential elections and politicians pander to them in condescending unauthentic ways. For the most part they are discounted by the political elite and are a bargaining chip or stepping stone for their representatives playing the DC game. Having lived in rural states in New England. While living in Austin Texas I started a community development program in a rural town, where I worked for 4 years and know something about people off the elite grid. I certainly disagreed with many of their political views; however, we came to respect, trust and know each other in meaningful ways. We worked and built stuff together, and came to tolerate differences while focusing on solutions to make life better for everyone in the town. I learned a lot from them and I think (hope) it was mutual.

People on the island (and Greece) feel burned by the EU. Austerity has made life unbearable for many, particularly away from the islands where tourism is still bringing some economic vitality. A Greek friend is not sure how much will be shaved off the pension he is soon to begin collecting. Most friends claim to be paying higher and higher taxes yet see no direct benefit, in fact, quite the contrary. Folks I talk to are unmoved by the British vote to exit the EU. They are skeptical and disgruntled. Some are hoping Greece is next, or feel the time passed for them to leave the EU. Some Danish friends visiting the island were not in favor of the exit; however, they had criticism of the EU and their policies, large bureaucracy, and pace of implementation (too fast). This is not a new discussion for us when it comes to the EU, we have been talking about it for years. My take as an outsider has great limitation; however, from the beginning I had a difficult time seeing it work given the social, historic, and cultural differences.  And while I am aware that some of those spearheading this exit in Europe are of the right, anti-immigrant, and xenophobic, I am not certain that is what moved all those voters in favor of exit. Anti-immigrant factions have been gaining traction for years across Europe. There has always been some degree of fascism in Europe for centuries (as in the US). The unraveling of the Middle East beginning with the invasion of Iraq (thanks George W Bush) and more recently Syria, coupled with those sailing in death boats from Africa for political and economic reasons have hit Europe hard. A much longer blog would be needed to delve into the havoc caused by the West in many of these countries and the legacy of colonialism. All these confounding factors have been brewing over time and now we are seeing the culmination of misguided policies, regime change wars, and the refusal to deal with complexity and unanticipated consequences.

So here is where I land with all this and connect it to the United States. I have no idea how Britain’s exit will impact world markets (one Greek friend had a few choice words for this), recessions, trade, etc. What I do have some thoughts on is the inability of the political elite to understand the lives of everyday folk. A quick glance at the map of Britain and what areas voted for and against is telling. The political elite are tone deaf and dance to a different master, and then act surprised when people act up or throw support to an outsider like Trump spouting all kind of craziness, who capitalizes on people’s fears and ignorance. Then there is my hero Bernie Sanders, a long standing Democratic Socialist who no one thought had a chance in hell (including me) exposed the corruption of the political neoliberal elite in the Democratic Party. Sanders proposes real system change using a bottom up movement, a political revolution and raised huge sums of money from average folks proving you do not need to sell your soul to be a contender. The political upsets of this election cycle tell us something, if we happen to be listening; however, from the Democratic party (which is all I will speak of) we see a refusal to step up and be bold, rather choosing business as usual (BAU) as evidenced by the platform committee voting for TPP, fracking, and backing down from an explicit position on the $15 minimum wage. The House of Representatives Democrat sit-in for a gun bill that is not really very good, yet they have offered no such action on poisoned water in Flint, the killing of unarmed black people, gun deaths, student loan debt relief, tax reform, and single payer health care among others. Where was their backbone and spine to fight for these issues? Why not sit in after Sandyhook or San Bernardino or the other mass killings? I have a thought though, perhaps seeing the hunger and thirst people have for real change and bold action inspired by Bernie Sanders prompted them to do more than yap about thoughts and prayers. The timid Democrats have done nothing but cowered to the Republicans with a deer in the headlights look for years.

We live in polarized nations. The Brexit vote was close. The US is nearly divided down the middle. People do not feel heard and they are tired of the BAU on all sides from political elites more concerned with pandering to special interests than their constituents’ needs. People are hurting. For those who are beaten down, feel left behind and are so mired in a cycle of poverty there is little chance of escape, hope is a rare commodity. This can give rise to scary people like Trump as well as a man like Bernie Sanders. As it can give rise to referendums in favor of a hasty exit that people do not fully understand the consequence of. We cannot continue to disregard “fly over” land or cling to single narratives. The message to the political establishment has been made clear though, change or you will not last, of which such a demise may possibly lead to better, new systems that respond to the needs of the many and not the few, or it might plunge us into further disarray and division. There is enough disillusionment to go around. Breaking up is hard to do, yet coming together is even harder. I am hoping we can manage for all our sakes, but then again, the Greek island light can shine a more optimistic spin on just about anything.   

Be well and more to come.