I Loved YOU So Hard I Broke

I Loved YOU So hard I Broke

Dear Collective YOU

I am looking backward

to the intensity

to what gives so much

to all the stock I put in YOU

The infatuation, the electric charge, glances in passing, small lines that form a semi smile

fingers laced together and skipped heartbeats and breath taken away

To the thoughts of what happened and what might have been

So many words written about us

Sometimes in small cursive with a grease pencil covering large pieces of paper

But that’s not what I am dwelling on at this moment

I am thinking about how the end is the beginning and the beginning is the end like a T.S. Elliot poem in Four Quartets

He actually was right and not just artistically confusing

On the precipice of infamous beginnings and endings that are really endings and beginnings I turn my head

And see YOU

Away from me

Holding my stomach in, measuring myself, inventing new and better ways to be me, thinking how I can be more

always so much more

so YOU will not leave

Even though I only asked once and that was in a whisper, barely audible

almost to myself

It was an airport for God’s sake

We both know how that worked out

Speaking of beginnings

My father told me I would get married

and be taken care of

I was already outlined by his shadow

not realizing I was the one doing the taking care of

Cultivating an art

Icing on the cake

Using assets

Being creative and interesting but only so smart

(because it is OFF PUTTING TO BE TOO SMART AND A GIRL)

I lost a race in 5^th grade on purpose to boys

I was a fast like the wind sprinter

Did I realize what I lost that day was more than a race?

My body changed

I sweated out so much longing hot flashing

Stopped holding my stomach in

and banging my head against the wall

trying to more of everything

All that wonderfulness

left flat with exhaustion (which is actually a good thing)

emptying my insides out

Hoping beyond hope

If only

If only

If only I had let myself win that race and turned the corner in victory

You start to think about your mother differently

I’m so sorry

I had no idea

My daughter thinks I sound depressing

I get it because I thought ending up alone like Nadia was a death sentence (hey P remember when we rolled our eyes in superiority)

Then I found new horizons and realized dreams that needed energy I used to dole out to YOU

I can still love YOU I say but differently

It’s still love to me

And it’s everywhere

In subtle and vibrant colors

In trees gently rustling in a warm afternoon breeze

In the faces of my children

In my doggies

In my no longer talking mother

In friends who don’t give up on me

In courage I wish I had

In grace and humility and letting go

In what’s given and taken

In forgiveness

In all of YOU